Beefcake

Noah is a string bean. Actually string bean doesn't even cut it. Noah is tiny tiny tiny.Noah's size and his picky eating is a source of many a worry, argument and general cause of probably about 5 years off my life. I was a very small child, always the shortest and skinniest amongst my friends. While "skinniest" ended somewhere long ago, I still like to think of myself asl fairly petite and will always be short ( thank god for heels!). I am just "small boned". The thing is, I am a woman so petite isn't necessarily a bad thing. Noah is a boy, will someday be a man. While being "petite" works for Tom Cruise and Michael J. Fox it doesn't necessarily work for all men. I don't want Noah to have the napoleon complex and I definetly don't want his little brother to tower over him.

Noah weighs about 25 pounds soaking wet. His height is about 36 inches. And while he FINALLY made the growth chart for his weight, it's hovering somewhere near the 3-5%.

Today at Rowen's 2 month visit he was just under 13 pounds, putting him in the 90% . Good Lord! I have a beefcake to go with my peanut. Poor Noah...his brother just may outweigh him by the time he is a year old .( BTW- Noah was 17 pounds at ONE!!!)

2 months

So Rowen, What's up?

I believe you weigh 12 pounds but we will see tomorrow at your checkup

You HATE tummy time but I think you hold your head up pretty good despite it

Still wearing size 1 diapers, 0-3 month clothes are getting snug and you wear a lot of 6 and even 6-9 month outfits

You smile is contagious, you are a happy little guy and are trying to laugh already

You LOVE your mama, you stare at me in crowds...melts my heart!

Your longest stretch of sleep was 6.5 hours but that was a fluke, most nights it's only 3-4.

You are a snacker, nursing only 5-8 min. at a time so I have been pumping and giving you a bottle

I think you are starting to look like me but with daddy's expressions

Noah has chilled out a bit but now that you have toy's and a playmate he likes to steal them every chance he gets, just wait until your a bit bigger...

Bring back that lovin' feeling...

Last night the husband and I had a bit of a disagreement. Said disagreement stemmed from some bedroom issues. I often struggle with the line of TMI ( too much info), what to share, what to leave in my head. Those who know me best know that there really isn't such a thing as TMI with me... so I will spill what's already seeping out of my brain.

Let's just say I don't feel sexy. There are times I feel good, even times when I feel attractive. These day's sexy has gone on vacation and I am not sure when she plans her big return. Women are different then men. For a man sex is primitive, and act, not so much something that takes a ton of emotional energy. Having a baby brings a whole new dimension to your womanhood, so does breastfeeding. How on earth do I want my breasts to be touched when half the time a baby is sucking on them and the other half I am hooked up to a milk machine. Dairy Queen anyone?

So that is where we differ. I am trying to find the balance between staying true to me and not being an old shriveled shrew. I am 29, my husband is 30. We are young. I need to put forth more effort and he needs to tap into the female side a bit. I guess it's all about balance. We need to balance better.

I took these pictures of myself. Exhibit A: bathing suit ( which is a while other post) Exhibit B: my clothes on. Exhibit C: Naked. Just Kidding. Obviously I didn't take any naked ( good lord, imagine??? ) But these are the three layers of me. Looking at them I feel good with my clothes on, not fat, not skinny...but just right.
The bathing suit? From the waist up, despite the pouch I am thinking it's not that bad. The Thighs? Didn't realize 138 on a 5'3'' frame looked that bad! ( note to self: step away from the pinot and cheese doodles)
Naked? EEEK! Once again adding another complexity to intimacy. Sometimes I think it's easier being pregnant, at least your belly is firm and you have an excuse to be tired. Plus your va jay jay is yet to be traumatized and morphed into an exit door.

Body image issues. Post Partum oddities. Breast complexities.

No wonder sex is so complicated.

It's a multi faceted issue.

Where to begin???

( Afterthought: I realize I am standing on my toilet taking these pictures, we don't own any full length mirrors so it's the only way I get to see what's really going on past my chest! These photo's have also served as an inspiration to tweeze the caterpillars, err I mean eyebrows that have taken over my face)

Hodge Podge

My mind is all over the place today. For starters my body starting aching yesterday afternoon. I have seriously been sick three times in the last 2 months. This aching started me thinking that I was dying...for reals. Of course my anxiety driven googling has me diagnosed with leukemia, MS and possibly lymes disease. Good lord someone stop this woman from googling. The aching got worse and worse as the night went on, eventually even my fingers hurt. When I got up with Rowen for his 1am feeding I realized my right breast was hurting. I take that back. My right breast was KILLING me. That's when my light bulb went off, not dying....MASTITIS. Upon further investigation and another google check I was about 90% sure this is what I am dealing with.

Now I am going to back track.....

In the midst of my aching we were at my parents house for sunday dinner. My mom made some frozen mango drink, we were enjoying some BBQ and Noah was playing in the kiddie pool. Nice relaxing afternoon. I served Noah some corn and rice and a few pieces of hot dog. No major expectations but he loves corn and rice so I figured he would at least have that. Close but no cigar. Since I am trying to adopt the new attitidue that it's only my job to offer the food and it's Noah's job to eat as much or as little as he wants I let him down from his chair and that was that....or so I thought.

Randomly Noah started asking for chicken nuggets which my mom was all out of. My husband offers to take Noah to Wendy's. Queue my shit fit. I do realize PMS and synthetic hormones may have contributed, as well as the brewing infection in my boob but this just really ticked me off. Trying not to start a fight in front of Noah I calmly explained that dinner was served and he didn't want it and fast food wasn't an option. It then got better. My parents decided to chime in and offer their 2 cents, siding with my husband who at this point was strapping Noah in the car seat on his way to Wendy's. My parents are now throwing shots at my parenting skills and I was trapped in my childhood bedroom wanting to punch someone, namely my husband. I suddenly felt 17.

Noah and Jesse return a short while later, Jesse boasting that he ate 6 nuggets. So when he weighs 300 pounds or is anorexic I'm sure somehow the mother will be to blame. Thanks. This food battle is a never ending circle and I have visions of stopping for nuggets on the way to Thanksgiving Dinner when he is 12. Sigh. Of course Noah, being the smarty pants that he is picked up on the tension, turned around and said the " F" word.... the F word. Totally my fault and adding to my already guilt ridden haze. This starts a whole other tirade from the rents' about how I curse too much and yadda yadda yadda. Then it happened. My dad, Mr. "you are horrible for your kid knowing the F word" tells me to cut. the. shit.

Guess what happens next?

Noah turns around and yells " You cut the shit Papa". Embarassed or guilty...maybe a little of both, my dad gets up, slamming things, grumbling and walks out. GRREEEATTT way to end sunday dinner. So we leave, kinda of like " what the hell just happened", a little confused, a little mad...just crappy.

So when I call my parents this morning to see if my mom will watch the boys so I can get my infected bubbie looked at, she doesn't answer her phone. OH and when she does she has an attitude and won't help me out. Are you serious???

So at this point, achy, feverish and with a red hot tata I realized making a trip to the gyno with my almost 3 year old son ain't happening. Really bad timing for a fight with the parents.

Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow with all my lady parts in tact

Falling in love

My mother once described "falling in love" with her children, she explained that while of course you love your baby, that "head over heels to die for" feeling came a bit later, each day growing more and more in love with your little person. I didn't get this until I had my own children and day by day the intensity of my love grew. Rowen has been smiling up a storm these past few days and I just can't help fall in love deeper and deeper with each little grin....

10 on the 10th

Noah has his "day of the month birthday" on the 10th so I thought this would be a fun way to keep track of everything he is up to:


Noah you are 32 months old today! here is what you have been up to:


- You went on your 1st carnival rides last night and LOVED it

- Currently your favorite movie is Toy Story

- For some reason you keep tellings us you want a sponge bob 3rd birthday party but you never watch the show!

-You tried hot dogs finally but didn't exactly love them

- You called the ice cream place "Disney World"....as in "ahhhh, look, disney world" when we pulled in the parking lot...hahhaha

- You weigh 25 pounds and that finally makes you in the 3% for weight! ( you wear 3T shirts and 24 month pants, which are quickly becoming capri's!)

-You ask for chocolate milk every morning first thing, it's like your coffee

- Speaking of coffee, coffee ice cream is your favorite flavor

- You finally figured out how to jump a few months back and so now you jump, all. the. time.

- Your transition to becoming a big brother has been a huge change but you are handling it pretty good ( although you get insanely jealous when anyone is holding or paying attention to Rowen!)

Feeling hot hot hot'

We are in the midst of a heat wave here in the fine state of New York....actually I am pretty sure the entire eastern seaboard in sweltering in this mess. Coincidently our babysitter is on vacation this week. So are my parents. What exactly does this mean for me? Well for starters we do have central air, so there is some light at the end of this very hot tunnel. However, a newborn, a 2.5 year old and a mama stuck in the house for DAYS starts to equal disaster around day three. Bored is an understatement. I am starting to feel trapped and I am sure Noah is as well. We have watched Monster's Inc. three times, more episodes of Zaboomafoo that I can count, Elmo at the beach...and Elmo Dinosaurs. Oh and Frosty The Snowman, at his request Noah watched it four times in a row yesterday. Do I feel guilty rotting his brain with t.v. ? Sure I do....however there is only so much coloring, truck playing, snack making that I can do...especially with a demanding little newborn on my hands. The icing on the cake is that my husband is working not five days, not six days but SEVEN days this week.

S.O.S, seriously. I'm craving some adult company in a major way. Oh and seeing the light of day would be nice too. Maybe this is fate's way of showing me maternity leave isn't all that great..... hey, keep telling yourself that lady =P

Room with a view

At any given moment you can find my house in complete disarray. As if I need any reason not to want to clean, this gives me an easy out. If I straighten up...nope, messy again within minutes. The floor plan of our house is open, making hiding toys or any other illusions virtually impossible. So we have decided to run with it. Long ago we gave up on decorations of any sort. There is no need when your floor is littered in fire trucks, army men and the occasional cheerio or two. The other morning as I sat on the floor playing with Rowen I snapped this picture- my current view of the world. A few years back I would have thought this was sorta depressing, slightly claustrophobic and a tad "momish". But here we are, 2 kids later and indeed, it makes me smile. Pottery Barn? Restoration Hardware? Crate N Barrel...nah, give me ToysRus anyday!

Mr. Sandman, I miss you

Why must my babies not sleep? Yes I know Rowen is only 7 weeks old ,but if one more person tells me that their kid sleeps from 9pm-7am, I think my head might spin, and I might just shoot pea soup out of myself in their general direction. Noah did not really sleep through the night until he was a year old. A YEAR. A whole freaking year. Around the 8-9 month mark I had just about lost my mind. Did I ever get it back? I can remember when Noah started to sleep, I seriously went to bed with a smile on my face. That was the era of nap time happy hour....ahh the good ol' days. One of my biggest ( well one of my "trivial biggest", my fears have sub-categories) fears with having another newborn was the sleep deprivation. I thought that maybe, just *maybe* I would get lucky this time and have one of those 9pm-7am sleepers everyone is raving about. Yeah not so much. As I got up for the umpteenth time last night ( poor Rowen had awful gas and the farts of a trucker) I thought to myself that this is the best form of birth control. No estrogen or progesterone needed. Just lack of sleep. I'm not really sure how this is all going to work when I go back to work next month. Is there a patron saint of sleeping through the night? If so please pray! ( and for good measure you may just want to drop a line to the Patron Saint of Picky Eaters, k- thanks)

Shameless Mom

Today I realized that I didn't change Noah's diaper when he woke up.....it was almost noon

Today we stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts so Noah could get a strawberry frosted doughnut, nothing like a little bribery

Today Rowen spent :::possibly::: too much time in his swing/bouncy seat/car seat

Today I sampled the Sangria I made for tonight's dinner ( we are having people over) at 4:30

Today I am doing the best that I can

Today I love my children and they love me

......and that is all that matters =)

The Journey

Yesterday as I was loading pictures that I took of the kids onto Facebook ( yes I am one of those people) , I accidently loaded a picture from sometime in 2006. I was drawn in. The fresh face. The skinny body. Tan. Hair Combed. Makeup on. Gasp! Did I really used to look like that?? To think, I was insecure, thought I was fat. So interesting how you evolve and how you how outlook evolves with you! The pictures took me back to our "journey" as a couple and our journey to parenthood...

It all began in 1999, October 23 to be exact. My friend was going on a date and wanted me to tag along. We were 18 ( almost 19) and had just started college. Who the hell tag's along on a date??? I was not going to be a 3rd wheel....so I told her she had to have her date bring someone for me. Guess what happens next? J ( future hubby) was that date. He was tall, dark and handsome- seriously the cutest boy I had ever seen. Both of us were these little lost souls. He was heavy into the rave seen of the late 90's, having trouble at home. I was so insecure, recovering from bulimia and trying to find my way in college. This could have been the total recipe for disaster but instead we were exactly what we both needed! Digital camera's were just starting out so I don't have any pics from those days on my computer but that's the start...



1999 went out with a BANG and we rang in the new millennium together( finally I will spare some details). The early 2000's were spent falling in love, working mindless jobs, going to school, traveling- the run of the mill things you do when your young ,in love and on the brink of finally discovering yourself.

Here we are in 2003. I was so in love but it was a CArazy love. The honeymoon was definitely over at this point and some weird hormonal puppy love was in full drive. Only we were 22 not 16. We had both just transfered schools, he was majoring in business and I in social work. I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed the ride but I was so hung up on the future that I didn't enjoy the present. In the wise words of my grandfather ..." If only I knew then what I know now"




J and I traveled a lot, most of it was new england trips to Boston almost monthly, Maine, The Cape. We did go to Ireland for Spring Break in 2004. During this time we fought and we fought HARD, my father telling me often that a "leopard will never change his spots" ( HA!) But we also loved each other with all our hearts and I think we both knew we would end up together "someday". I was once again in the habit of trying to rush my life and really really REALLY wanted to get engaged. J was not ready for marriage but we did move in together that summer. I applied to a bunch of grad schools and was too chicken shit to move to Boston, so I went to Fordham and shacked up with my boyfriend hoping for a ring....
( this picture is from a party during our last weeks in college- I was so drunk, so skinny and SO needed a good hair brushing...)






I started Fordham in August 2004, I had done an advanced standing undergrad program and got my master's in a year at only 23 ( woot woot). I had landed a great internship working with children with a wide range of developmental disabilities and felt like I finally found my place in the workforce.
J and I got engaged on December 8th 2004. He was so excited to give me my ring that he proposed, naked, in our bedroom. Not very romantic but SO us! I spent the next year planning my wedding ( and job hunting). My mother and I really bonded during that time and it was so exciting. I graduated from Fordham that May with my MSW and started my current job that June. This was the start of our "adult" life.
This picture is from my Rehearsal dinner, September 30, 2005- The day before my wedding I came down with an awful cold. Lucky for me that was the worst thing that had ever happened to me before that day. HA! Seriously...I was so tragically upset I have to laugh. The night of my rehearsal dinner I spent puking, crying, and hacking. By the next day I was somewhat "recovered" but I did lose my voice on my honeymoon.


Honeymoon October 2005- although for some reason I look tired I needed to throw in this picture to totally attention whore my stomach which is looking mighty fine if I do say so myself. Now I bear the body scars of having two kids in 2.5 years but I am o.k with that....really I am =) I should tape this picture to the fridge to remind me that NO I don't need ice cream





Summer 2006, last summer before pregnancy and babies. I wish I enjoyed it more but then again you can never realize how things are going to change..until they do and that is just part of life. I am shocked at how young, skinny and happy we looked. Did we feel that good too? probably not. I was probably hot, we were camping so I am sure I was pissed about something. If I ever knew what was to come!



This is the only picture I have of us from the day Noah was born, he was fine initially so we snapped a few pictures. Then things got ugly a few hours later so this is all I have. I didn't take any pictures of him in the NICU because at the time I thought I would never ever want to see pictures of my baby like that. In this picture I am bloated, exhausted, numb, excited..you name it. I had no idea what was to come, the good, the bad and the ugly. I get choked up when I look at this because that was such a happy and yet such a devastatingly horrible day for us. It all just really really sucked for lack of a better word. But we are moving on....so no more about that!




Spring/summer 2008- the shock of what we went through with Noah was starting to wear off and we were so so in love with our little man. Once again I thought I looked fat and haggard but now I am thinking we looked pretty good! Our marriage was definitely strained at this point, a new baby born with health issues, building a new house and all the "big people" responsibilities....things were scary stressful! I was in the throws of post partum depression and in full on "survival mode". It's sad to say but this was one of the lowest points in my life.




New Years Eve 2008/2009. We had moved into our house in November, Noah turned one, he was happy and thriving. We were starting to find our normal. This night we went out to dinner, the three of us. Long gone were New Years Parties but we were so o.k with that! After Noah went to bed we went in our new jacuzzi and had champagne. Nice memory!



June 2009- I had just had a miscarriage, the "accidental" pregnancy that i wanted so badly and my husband, not so much. This made trying again difficult and made for some emotional fights. I had put on almost 10 pounds with that brief pregnancy and aftermath period....probably from drinking way too much wine at night. This was a weird time for us, I was not happy and I doubt my husband was either. The worry and exhaustion of the last few years was bursting and we were just in a "weird" place. Little did I know I would conceive Rowen two months later....once again I wish I could tell myself it would all be o.k!!! ( the picture was taken at Noah's Little Gym graduation, he was 17 months)





October /November 2009- Fall has always been a renewal season for us and this one was no exception. I was newly pregnant and suffering from awful morning sickness. My entire pregnancy ( albeit scary with worry) was a pretty peaceful and exciting time for us. I was trying my hardest to enjoy my pregnancy and not let fear consume me. Easier said than done. Noah turned two and was fastly becoming the smartest little guy around.



February / Winter 2010- feeling good! Pregnancy is going smooth and we found out it's another BOY! My pregnancy with Rowen was such a happy time. I love being pregnant....I should be a surrogate






March/April 2010- Last leg of my pregnancy with Rowen Francis, happy, healthy- it's all we can ask for. I was doing pretty well with keeping my worry and emotions about Rowen's birth under control ( or maybe to myself) but had started to get very anxious at this point. I just wanted to meet my little man and see that he was o.k! I was physically very ill at the end of my pregnancy with vomiting and fevers, I couldn't wait to have him OUTSIDE my body!




Lastly, May 16, 2010- 24 hours after giving birth. Good Gah! I look scary....but oh so very happy!! Relieved does not even come close. I would have run out of that hospital if I could!!! I was so sure that if we stayed they would tell me something....anything.... was wrong. I also needed to get home to Noah who was living off of goldfish crackers thanks to my mother's inability to say no to him!

As for my relationship with my husband? Let's just say we have found that lovin' feeling again, although we are changed...for the better and for the worse, tis' life I guess. No one said love is easy, or marriage, or parenthood for that matter. But what would my life be without all those crazy beautiful twists and turns? You live and learn, your grow and change....but we still have each other and that's all that matters.

So here we are, what a wild bumpy ride it has been....

Half way over

I hate to admit this but I was not really looking forward to maternity leave. There, I said it out loud. Don't judge. When Noah was born with some pretty serious and very unexpected issues at birth it rocked my world. The post partum depression and anxiety that followed was some kinda awful. Hot mess does not even describe what I was back in those days. My maternity leave was spent crying, worrying, crying...did I say crying? And then when I went back to work leaving my baby left me crying, worrying and crying some more. Saying it was a tough time does not even cut it.

This time around I have been a new woman. This birth seriously healed some pretty deep wounds. It could not have gone better and taking a healthy newborn home within 24 hours of his birth rocked my world....in a positive way. Too blessed to be stressed was my mantra and I was walking on clouds for days. Of course, reality and sleep deprivation kicked in but it has been wonderful. The weather this time ( November versus May) hasn't hurt either nor the fact that my mother has summers off so I always have an adult around if I need one.

I have grown accustomed to laying around in my PJ's, watching entirely too much t.v, cuddling with my boys and going to the park. How on earth am I going to give this up in a few weeks???

I do look forward to getting dressed in the morning, brushing my hair, tweezing my eyebrows, you know all the things one should do to prevent from becoming a she-beast. I am in some serious need of grooming and only work is going to jump start that! I do like my job and my co-workers are some of my best friends so it's not all bad......I just have to keep telling myself that.

August 9th...please don't come too fast